


Better Than Sex. . .Almost

by jdrush



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Humour, M/M, abundantly awful alliterations, author insert but in a good way, bad fic but in a good way, characters acting VERY out of character, did i mention this was supposed to be humorous?, modern life intruding on Middle-Earth, numerous character assassinations, pretty elves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 07:30:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20111425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdrush/pseuds/jdrush
Summary: Haldir loves Legolas. Haldir wants Legolas. Haldir is desperate and will try anything to win Legolas.





	Better Than Sex. . .Almost

**Author's Note:**

> TITLE: Better Than Sex. . .Almost  
AUTHOR: J.D. Rush  
FANDOM: Lord of the Rings  
PAIRINGS: Haldir/Legolas; Merry/Pippin; implied Sam/Frodo  
OTHER CHARACTERS: grumpy Gimli; scruffy Aragorn; macho Boromir; peeping-tom Gandalf  
RATING: NC-17 for kinky m/m Elf action, and some mild Hobbit incest (which no one seems to mind for some reason)  
DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to Tolkien and New Line Cinemas. . .although I'm not sure they'll want them back after this. (more disclaimers follow story)  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I have no idea where this came from. Maybe I don't WANT to know where it came from. This is simply pure silliness. I apologize to Professor Tolkien and his devoted fans from the bottom of my heart. I'd also like to apologize to The Carpenters and THEIR fans. You'll understand why. Oh, and Gandalf didn't die in Moria. Hey, if you're going to screw around with a classic, go all the way.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES PART 2: I'm slowly uploading my old fanfics to the archive. This one was posted to my LJ in December, 2005, but was written at least a year or so before that. I'm probably taking a big risk posting it here. I know it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but I still think it's one of the best things I've ever written.

Our story begins on the outskirts of Lothlórien. . .

  
DAY ONE:

Haldir was depressed. Depressed and confused. Depressed and confused and angst-ridden. Depressed and confused and angst-ridden and something else. What was it? Oh, yeah. Horny.

Haldir was very, very horny.

Sadly, this wasn't a condition foreign to him. He had pretty much been in a state of sexual frustration for years now. Decades, even. Oh, what the hell--five centuries, if we're being honest. Ever since the day his eyes had beheld the celebrated Prince Legolas of Mirkwood for the first time, and he had fallen hopelessly head over heels in love.

Most days, he could forget the longing in his heart for the golden-haired beauty. The longing in his loins, however, was more difficult to deal with, usually requiring many long swims in the icy waters of the Celebrant to relieve his tension. Still, he generally had his yearnings under control. As long as he didn't SEE the object of his affections, he was fine. But those times when his path crossed that of the pretty princeling brought nothing but misery for the March warden of Lórien. . . and a hard-on that could knock down brick walls.

Legolas, of course, knew the torture Haldir was going through. The young prince was quite aware of how utterly beautiful and desirable he was, and there was nothing he enjoyed more than to torment his suitors relentlessly. Love was just a game to him, and he played it quite well. Consequently, he had earned the reputation as the biggest cock-tease in all of Middle-earth.

But that didn't stop Haldir from loving the enchanting Elfling with his whole heart and soul.

Unfortunately said Elfling was currently resting comfortably within The Golden Wood, as he and the rest of his traveling companions had crossed the boarders into Lothlórien earlier that day. When Haldir had realized that lovely Legolas was among the motley crew of trespassers, it had taken all of his iron control not to act like a lovesick puppy in front of his troops. At the time he had used the opportunity to take out his frustrations on the Dwarf but now, hours later, as he sat by himself, all the longing and yearning for Mirkwood’s mischievous menace welled up inside of him, threatening to tear him apart.

"Just a single night in his bed is all I wish for," he whispered up his silent prayer in the Common Tongue because the author couldn't be bothered to look up the elvish words on the Internet. "One night of unbridled bunny-fucking and I would be happy until the end of my days."

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear the object of his desire approach stealthily and take a seat beside him. "What troubles you, mellon-nin?" Legolas inquired, placing a slim, delicate hand on Haldir’s shoulder.

The melodic voice broke through Haldir's melancholic musings. He turned to face the interloper, his heart aching at the angelic vision sitting there, and he bit off a bitter chuckle. "As if you didn't know.”

Haldir's reaction caused Legolas to giggle mirthfully. "Oh, Haldir, get over it, will you? Gimli's just one little Dwarf. It's not as if all the inhabitants of the Misty Mountains are taking up residence in Lothlórien. And actually, he's not so bad once you get to know him."

"This has nothing to do with the Dwarf," Haldir replied, a shiver going down his back at just the THOUGHT of such a creature in his precious homeland. Truly, the quality of Legolas' latest associates left a lot to be desired.

"Well, if it's not Gimli, then what IS the problem?"

Haldir sighed heavily before confessing, "I was just thinking of our game."

"Game?" Legolas repeated, feigning innocence.

"You know of which I speak," Haldir snipped. "The one we have been playing for half an Age now."

"Oh, THAT game!" Legolas laughed, a sound like the tinkling of tiny bells. "What is wrong, Guardian? Has the hunt become too much for you?" he taunted playfully.

"I never said that," Haldir fairly bristled at the notion.

"What a relief to hear, for I would be greatly disappointed in you otherwise, Haldir."

"Verily? And why is that?"

"Well, I was always under the impression that the Galadhrim were the finest warriors in all of Middle-earth," Legolas answered, the teasing tone matching a teasing smirk. "It would have ruined my opinion of them if their leader gave up so easily."

"But this is no war, my prince," Haldir reminded him.

"Oh, but isn't it?" Legolas corrected him. "One side pitted against the other in a contest of wills to determine who is stronger? Who is craftier and more cunning? Who will ultimately end up the victor and win the prize? War. Hunting. Love. Isn't it all the same game?"

"Not when the opponent is the most devious, most treacherous, most beguiling creature known to Elf-dom," Haldir countered.

"Ah, but a shrewd and patient hunter can bring down any prey,” Legolas insisted, “if they want to bad enough,"

"Patient?!" Haldir exclaimed. "I have been pursuing this prey for 500 years!"

Smiling sweetly, Legolas observed, "Then the quarry must be quite precious."

Haldir sighed, wistfully. "Ai, very precious. Indeed, its value is beyond measure. 'Tis the only one of its kind in all the wide world."

Teasing fingers whispered over the sensitive point of Haldir's left ear, raising goosebumps along his flesh. Other things began rising as well when the fingers were replaced by petal-soft lips. "Then it should be captured and possessed by only the most skilled and deserving hunter," Legolas murmured seductively in the March warden's ear, his tongue grazing lightly past the lobe.

Tearing himself away from Legolas' burning embrace, Haldir cried out, "Why do you continue to torment me so?"

"Because I know you enjoy a challenge, my dear friend," Legolas replied with an evil grin. "And besides, how much sweeter is the victory after such an exhilarating pursuit?"

"But do I even have a chance at this trophy?" Haldir asked, wryly.

"If anyone can come out on top," the phrase infused with more than one meaning, "it is you, beloved Haldir." Legolas then playfully kissed the older Elf on the tip of his nose, and with a cheery, "Good luck, Guardian," he skipped off, leaving Haldir to seek comfort in the loving, frigid embrace of the Celebrant once more.

DAY TWO:

The day was bright and sunny, as all days were in Lothlórien. Smiles were abundant on days such as these, hearts light and full of joy. Everyone was happy--everyone, that is, but one forlorn member of the Lady's Guards. Haldir sat on the banks of the Celebrant, much as he had the day before, haphazardly tossing rocks into the crystal clear water, and lamenting his lot in life. "Why oh why did I have to fall in love with the completely unattainable Legolas instead of the more available--not to mention cheap and easy--Glorfindel?" he whined to no one but himself. Or at least that's what he thought.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but did I just hear you say you're in love with Legolas?" came a gentle voice from his right.

Haldir jumped in surprise--he must've really been lost in his thoughts not to hear the Hobbit's approach. "Ah, Master Samwise. I didn't know I had company."

Samwise Gamgee (for that's who it was) took a seat beside the gloomy Elf and flashed him a big friendly smile. "Ai, I was snooping. . .ahhh. . .wandering around, looking at all the pretty elvish things, and I happened to see you sitting here, all sad and lonesome like, and I thought to myself, 'Self, that boy looks like he needs a friend'. So, here I am."

Haldir smirked at the use of the term 'boy' to describe him--indeed, he was older than the chubby little Hobbit by thousands of years. Still, the chap was rather delightful in a simple, down-home kind of way. "A friend is always good to have," Haldir replied. "And yes, you did hear me right. I am in love with Legolas. Have been for many years now."

"And does he not know it?"

"Yes, he does."

A frown creased Sam's forehead. "Then why are you not together?" he asked, puzzled.

Haldir gave a world-weary sigh. "It's all very complicated, Sam."

The pudgy Hobbit was silent for a moment, then a light sparked in his big bright eyes. "OH! I understand now. It's one of those unrequited love kind of things, huh?"

"And what would you know about it, Master Hobbit?" Haldir asked, bemusement lacing his question.

"A lot more than you'd think," Sam muttered disgustedly.

Haldir smirked a knowing smirk, glad that he had found someone in the same boat as he--misery loves company, after all. "Quite. So, what would you do, if you were in my place?"

Sam pondered the question for a minute or two before responding. "Well, if it was up to me, I'd woo him, if you get my meaning."

"Nay, I do not get your meaning. You mean, court him?"

"Ai."

"How?"

Sam's big eyes grew bigger in disbelief. "Have you never gone a-courtin', Sir Elf?"

Haldir squirmed uneasily. It was quite embarrassing to admit to anyone, especially a young Hobbit. But for once he swallowed his pride and admitted, "Actually, no. My duties keep me from pursuing such things."

In truth, the studly Galadhrim had never needed to do anything so common as 'courting'. His usual approach was to walk up to his intended victim, flash his sexy bedroom eyes, fix a flirty leer on his perfectly kissable lips, and fire off a casual, "Fancy a shag?" That pick-up line had worked for him for centuries--until he had met the exasperating Legolas Greenleaf.

"Oh well, in that case, I would start with some flowers," Sam instructed. "Nothing gets Master Fro. . .ahhh. . .I mean, your intended. . . in a romantic mood faster than some lovely blooms."

The Elf pondered that for a moment. "Flowers, huh?"

"Oh, yes sir, Mister Guardian, sir. A big bouquet of beautiful blossoms. He'll be over all you like white on rice and make no mistake, or my name's not Samwise Gamgee!"

Haldir patted Sam on the shoulder. "Thank you, Master Hobbit. I shall do that right now." He gracefully jumped to his feet, and sprinted away, leaving Sam alone by the riverbank, a big smile on his sweet, plump face.

"Ahhh. . .young love," he sighed, dreamily.

DAY THREE:

The next day, Gandalf the Grey (or Mithrandir, if you want to get technical) found Haldir sitting in the same spot by the Celebrant, looking even more morose than the day before.

"What is wrong, Haldir?" Gandalf asked, taking a seat on the same rock as Samwise had done 24 hours earlier.

"I tried to win Legolas' heart with some 'lovely blooms, if you get my meaning, Mister Elf, sir'," Haldir replied snottily in Sam's distinct accent.

Gandalf chuckled, "You do that very well."

"Thanks."

"So, what happened?" the wizard asked, leaning against his magic staff. (Insert your favorite penis joke here.)

"I hunted for miles near and far, picking only the most beautiful, most fragrant, most colorful flowers in Lórien's fields. Then I went to Legolas' room, knelt down before him, and presented him with the most glorious bouquet you ever saw."

"And. . .?"

Haldir raised one perfect delicate eyebrow inquisitively as he demanded, "Have you ever heard of an Elf with hay fever?"

Again Gandalf chuckled, "No, I will admit I have not."

"Neither have I." He paused for a moment, regarding the Maiar beside him, when a little lightbulb went off. (Yeah, okay, I know they didn't have lightbulbs back then--deal with it.) "Hey, Mithrandir, what say you just whip up some magic dust or something to make Legolas fall in love with me?"

Gandalf looked positively scandalized. "I could not do that!"

"Sure you could. I know you're powerful enough."

"It's not a question of power. It is a question of principles."

"Awww, pleeeaaase?" Haldir whined. "I'll be your friend for life. And since I'll live forever, that will be a long time indeed." (As long as you stay away from Peter Jackson, Hal.)

Gandalf placed a comforting arm around the Guardian's shoulder. With a kind smile, he pronounced wisely, "My dear child--love is not accomplished with spells and potions."

"I'll pay you," Haldir persisted.

"You would exchange gold for love?" the wizard tsked. "I expected better from you, Haldir."

"I'm desperate."

"So I can see, but I have no need for riches, my lad. And even if I did, it would go against my morals to do as you ask."

"What about if I got you Galadriel's phone number?"

"Really, Haldir. . ."

"Celeborn's?"

"Oh, come on--who DOESN'T have that boy's number?" Gandalf scoffed.

"Rúmil?" Haldir proposed, frantically. Yeah, pimping his own brother was kind of despicable, but he was getting very desperate by that point, and he REALLY wanted that magic potion!

The wizard paused a moment, weighing the offer. "Hmmm. . .now that IS tempting. Maybe if you threw in Orophin. . ."

"Hey ho, Haldir," Merry chirped, as he crashed the party and planted himself on the other side of the Elf.

Haldir gritted his teeth at the Hobbit's interruption of the negotiations. He had been SO CLOSE. "Well met, Pippin," he grumbled, nastily.

"MERRY," Merry shot back, testily. "I'm MERRY. HE'S Pip!" he announced, pointing to another approaching Hobbit.

"Here. What's goin' on?" Pippin asked, joining the group and sitting on the other side of his cousin.

"I'm sorry for my mistake, Master Brandybuck," Haldir apologized. "Guess my mind was wandering."

"Oi, I hate when that happens," Pip empathized.

"Yeah, it usually doesn't come back," Merry countered.

"Why you!" With that, Pip lunged at Merry and they fell to the ground. It wasn't long before their playful wrestling turned into a full-scale make-out session.

"Hey. . .stop that!" Haldir admonished while Gandalf just laughed indulgently.

"Sorry," Merry apologized, his hands still resting on his cousin's shapely bottom.

"Lost me head," Pippin said, his hands somewhere in Merry's pants.

As Haldir studied the entangled Hobbits for a moment, inspiration came to him. Perhaps these two obviously frisky friends might have an answer to his problem. "Merry, if you were going to win Pip's heart, what would you do?"

Merry didn't even pause to think about it. "Well, first I'd get a pair of handcuffs, a blindfold, and some duck feathers. . ."

"No, I mean. . .before that. When you are just courting. . ."

"OH! That's easy," Merry grinned. "Food. Lots of food. A nice big meal with a mess of sweets for dessert."

"And ale," Pip piped up. "A fine ale."

"And lots of it," Merry finished.

Haldir mused on that for a moment, a smile slowly crossing his handsome face. "Yeah. . .that's a good idea. I shall try that." He stood up to go, but turned back to couple lying on the grass. With a casual flick of his hand, he commanded, "Carry on," then took his leave.

Merry and Pip didn't need to be told twice, as they started snogging away again. They took no notice of Gandalf, who languidly lit his pipe, then sat back to enjoy the floorshow.

DAY FOUR:

Aragorn smiled as he meandered through the lush fields of Lothlórien, soaking in the beauty of the magical realm--it had been many years since he had stepped foot in these mysterious and wondrous lands. His wanderings eventually led him to sparkling waters of the Silverlode. And there, sitting very dejectedly, he found his long-time friend. "Hail, Haldir," he greeted, taking a seat by the weary Elf. "Why so gloomy on such a glorious day?"

Haldir sighed heavily as he confessed, "My attempts to court Legolas keep turning into disasters."

"Ah, yes, the flowers," Aragorn said, with a knowing nod.

"You heard about that?"

"Legolas has the tent next to mine," Aragorn explained. "He was up sneezing most of the night."

"Sorry about that. It was all Sam's fault."

"No need to apologize." A frown furrowed the future king's brow as he added, "Did I hear you say 'attempts'?"

Haldir gave another large sigh. "Yes. Last night, I tried to woo him with food."

Aragorn chuckled at that. "Let me guess--Merry and Pip?"

The Elf joined in with a chuckle of his own, but it was far less mirthful. "Aye, serves me right, listening to a bunch of Hobbits, huh?"

"Well, they do say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

"But apparently the same can't be said for prima-donna elven princes."

"So, what happened?"

A third dramatic sigh rose from deep within Haldir. "Oh, Estel--it was a magnificent feast. Truly fit for a prince of the realm. I spent the whole morning hunting--wild boar, venison, rabbit, quail, fresh trout--you name it. And the pastries!" At this, Haldir's normally dazzling sapphire eyes sparkled even brighter. "Only the choicest delicacies of our land. I had the royal cooks slaving all day long preparing everything. I was even able to negotiate a few bottles of special wine out of Celeborn."

"How did you do that?" Aragorn asked, curiously.

Haldir's eyes suddenly lost their spark at the memory of his Lord dressed in Galadriel's lavender diaphanous peignoir--he was sure the painful image would haunt him for years. (Oh, but what WONDERFUL blackmail material!) With a shudder he replied, "You DON'T want to know."

"Suit yourself."

"Anyway, as I was saying, I then set up the table in the middle of the glade with a perfect view of the stars--white linen table cloth and napkins, my best china and silverware, soft candlelight, a dozen servers to wait on us hand and foot--the works. I even had a strolling minstrel to serenade us. "

"And. . .?"

The gorgeous Galadhrim growled, "No one ever told me he's a vegetarian!"

"But surely he enjoyed the desserts?"

Haldir shook his head in the negative and sniped bitterly, "Are you ready for this? He informs me he is on a diet! Can you believe that? A bleedin' diet! What is he now, a size 2? For the love of Elbereth, if he gets any thinner, he'll be a freakin' WRAITH!"

"Well, what about the wine?"

At that, Haldir just rolled his eyes in disgust. "He's 'twelve-stepping'. I didn't even know he had been in rehab."

Aragorn clasped the Elf's shoulder in sympathy. "I'm sorry, Haldir. I wish there was something I could do to help you--some recommendation I could make that would resolve your problem."

Haldir looked over at his old friend. The scruffy human was covered in blood and mud; he apparently had not bothered to bathe since his arrival in Lórien. His hair hung in his face in sweaty, dirty strands, and to say he smelled a bit ripe would have been an understatement. A smile crossed Haldir's face as he stated, "Actually, Estel, I think you've given me a good idea. . ."

DAY FIVE:

Gimli was clomping around, lost among the mallorn trees, when he stumbled across Haldir, sitting in his usual spot by the river. It was an indication of how despondent the Haldir was that he not only didn't hear the Dwarf's approach, but also didn't reprimand him when he plopped down next to him on the rock. "Hey laddie, why so down in the dumps?"

Only at the sound of the gruff voice did Haldir look up and see he was no longer alone. "I don't wish to discuss this with you, Master Dwarf," he fairly sneered.

"Eh, get off yer high horse, Guardian!" Gimli scolded. "Now, come tell the Gimster all about it. Maybe I can help."

Haldir heaved a deep sigh, knowing he wasn't going to get rid of the annoying creature any time soon. "All right. I don't know if you've heard, but I've been trying to court Legolas. . ."

"Well, I heard you were eager to get into his breeches, if that's what ye mean."

"It's not like that. . .well, yeah, okay, it IS like that."

Gimli just snorted. "Get in line, babe. Not one of us in the Fellowship wouldn't want to pluck that fine plum and feast on it for a week."

"But it's MORE than just lust!" Haldir insisted. "I have been in love with him for centuries. He knows how I feel, but he enjoys playing with me like a toy, teasing and tormenting me to no end. Speaking false promises and filling me with hope that someday he will be mine, but that day has yet to arrive." He felt tears welling in his eyes, but refused to cry in front of an audience--especially a Dwarf. With a disgusted wave of his hand, he grumbled, "Oh, why am I bothering to tell you this?"

"Aye, laddie, I wasn't aware the situation was so bleak."

"Well, it is," Haldir replied, petulantly.

"And I take it this courting nonsense isn't working?"

The Elf shook his head sadly as one perfect shimmering tear managed to leak out, trailing elegantly down his sculptured cheek.

At that moment, Gimli's heart went out to the hurting--if somewhat irritating--March warden, and with a much softer, compassionate voice, he suggested, "Perhaps you just need a different plan of attack. What did you do?"

Haldir sniffled, and took a moment to pull himself together before answering. "Well, I tried flowers, and that didn't work. And I tried a romantic candlelit dinner but THAT didn't work. So, I thought maybe I would try pampering him."

"What?"

"You know, pampering. I took him to the finest spa in Lórien. It costs a small fortune--especially on my salary. But I figured anything was worth a shot."

"And what goes on at this spa?" Gimli asked, curiously.

"Okay, first I treated him to a mud bath. . ."

"Now that is the stupidest thing I ever heard!" the Dwarf declared with a short burst of barking laughter. "You take a bath in MUD?"

Haldir bristled as he explained, "It's good for the skin. Keeps it soft and supple, and drains away all the impurities in your body."

At that, Gimli stopped laughing and ran a callused hand thoughtfully over his rough cheek. "Eh, maybe I should try one of those."

"I thought you had, but forgot to wash off the dirt afterwards," Haldir retorted, haughtily.

Gimli just glared at Haldir. "And you wonder why you don't get invited to more parties."

"Sorry. The frustration is getting to me."

"Completely understandable,” Gimli chuckled, giving Haldir a friendly pat on the shoulder. “A couple years of blueballs will do that to a fella."

"Five," Haldir said, softly.

"Five years?"

"Five hundred," Haldir clarified.

"You haven't been laid in 500 years!?" Gimli cried out. When Haldir nodded timidly, the Dwarf exclaimed, "Hot damn, no wonder you're so downright ornery!"

"Shall I continue?" Haldir inquired sarcastically, eyebrow arched.

"Oh, by all means," Gimli chortled, shifting to find a comfortable sitting position. "I can't wait to hear the rest of this."

Haldir took a deep breath before continuing his tale. "Right. So after the bath, I helped to give him an apricot facial, then I spent a blissful hour giving him a foot massage and painting his toenails."

"Kinky. I like it."

"And lastly, I washed his hair with sacred herbal oils, conditioning it, and brushing it until it gleamed like a bright golden waterfall. Then, as a special bonus, I fixed his hair in the most elaborate fashion."

"Ahhhh, so YOU'RE the one that did that crimping, scrunching thing," Gimli noted with approval. "I liked it--very stylish."

Haldir smiled at the compliment. "Thank you--I learned the trick from Galadriel."

"Ahhh, yes. . .the fair lady," Gimli sighed longingly. "No being has ever walked this earth more beautiful that she."

Perhaps Legolas was right--Gimli wasn't such a bad guy once you got to know him after all. "You have excellent taste, my friend."

Gimli half-bowed and joked, "Not bad for a mangy Dwarf, eh?"

"Not bad at all," Haldir agreed, warming to the strange creature. "And while you might be mangy, at least you don't smell half as bad as Aragorn."

"You got that right," Gimli chuckled. "So, none of this spa hogwash worked, eh?"

Haldir rolled his eyes and groused, "No. His only reaction was to ask what shampoo I had used-- said it cured his split ends."

Gimli shook his head in disbelief and laughed harder. "Yup, that's our pampered, prissy Elf all right." Seeing Haldir wasn't joining in the merriment, he sobered up and said, "You want my advice?"

"No," Haldir huffed, throwing in a pout for good measure.

"Tough. You're gonna get it anyway."

Haldir sighed a put-upon sigh and replied sarcastically, "Sure. Whatever. I eagerly await your counsel."

Ignoring Haldir's attitude problem, Gimli said, "Look, it's very simple. You want him? Take him!"

A frown creased Haldir's brow. "Take him?" he repeated, hesitantly.

"Yes! Stop being such a pantywaist! Don't ask, just take! Throw him to the ground, rip his clothes off and ravish him! Lord knows the boy's been asking for it. Hell, if it wasn't for the whole height thing, I'd have brained him with my axe and had my wicked way with him myself by now."

"Gimli, what you suggest. . ." Haldir began to protest but his words trailed off as pictures of Legolas tied down to his bed--naked, panting, sweaty, and erect--filled his head. He shook his head frantically to erase the tantalizing images and cried out, "By the Valar! I can't do that!"

"Hmpth," Gimli harrumphed. "Shoulda known you Elves were nothing but a bunch of pansies."

"I beg your pardon!" Haldir demanded, indignantly.

The Dwarf, however, just blew him off. "Fine. If you're not up to the direct approach, then try poetry." He half-snorted, half-guffawed, "That's probably more your speed, anyway."

Haldir's deep blue eyes lit up at the suggestion. "Poetry! Yes. I like that. A surprisingly good idea, Master Dwarf. Thank you!" He stood up, and with a happy bounce to his step, he went off to make the arrangements.

When he was out of earshot, Gimli snickered, "What a dink!"

STILL DAY FIVE--THAT NIGHT:

"This is a lovely spot," Legolas sighed as he leaned backwards, melting into the trunk of the tree he and Haldir sat in.

"Not half as lovely as you, my dearest heart," Haldir purred, seductively.

Legolas smiled coyly at his suitor and batted his long eyelashes. "Flatterer," he giggled, musically.

Despite the butterflies that started doing somersaults in his stomach at the effervescent sound, Haldir was able to maintain his cool façade, and with a sly wink, he pulled a small leather-bound book from his tunic pocket. He had swiped it from his Lord's library when Celeborn had gone missing--probably off raiding Galadriel's lingerie drawer again. Haldir cringed at the thought, even as he opened the book and started to softly read aloud:

_"How do I love thee, let me count the ways_  
_ I love thee to the depth and breadth and height_  
_ My soul can reach. . ." 1_

Legolas, whose attention had been distracted by a passing squirrel, turned back to his companion and asked, "Did you say something, sweetie?"

Figuring that one wasn't going to work, Haldir skipped ahead to the next poem in the book:

_"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?_  
_ Thou art more lovely and more temperate:_  
_ Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,_  
_ And summer's lease hath all too short a date." 2_

Legolas just looked at Haldir strangely, trying to figure out what his friend was up to. "What are you talking about, Hal?"

"Um. . .no, huh?" Flipping through the pages, Haldir started muttering to himself, "There's GOT to be a good one in here. . . AH!" Towards the end of the book, he found one that Elrond had written for Celebrían on their wedding day. That one would be perfect! With a smooth, sexy voice, he started speaking the love-filled lines:

_"Why do birds suddenly appear,_  
_ Every time, you are near?_  
_ Just like me, they long to be,_  
_ Close to you." 3_

Legolas jaw dropped open in astonishment and he flashed Haldir a look that clearly said, "You've GOT to be kidding!" But Haldir, whose nose was buried in the book, didn't see the reaction as he continued to read:

_"Why do stars, fall down from the sky,_  
_ Every time, you walk by?_  
_ Just like me, they long to be,_  
_ Close to you." 3_

By now, Legolas was crossing his eyes and sticking his finger in his mouth, making gagging sounds. Haldir, however, never noticed the less-than-receptive reaction, so enraptured with the lovely verse he was reciting:

_"On the day that you were born, the angels got together,_  
_ And decided to create a dream come true,_  
_ So they sprinkled moon-dust in your hair_  
_ Of gold, and starlight in your eyes of blue. . ." 3_

Coming to the end of the poem, Haldir momentarily sat in a daze, afraid to interfere with the magical spell the words seemed to have woven around him. It took a minute before he found his voice once more and whispered. "Wasn't that just enchanting?" When he got no response he looked up from the book, only to find Legolas buffing his fingernails.

Exhaling a sad little sigh, he moved onto the next poem:

_"A thing of beauty is a joy forever,_  
_ Its loveliness increases; it will never_  
_ Pass into nothingness; but still will keep_  
_ A bower quiet for us, and a sleep_  
_ Full of dreams, and health, and not quiet breathing. . ." 4_

And on, and on, and on. . .

DAY SIX:

I think we all know the setting by now--Haldir, depressed, by the riverbank, yadda, yadda, yadda. It was into that scene that Frodo bounced up. Pointing to a rock by the despondent Elf, he cheerfully sing-songed, "Hello, Haldir--may I sit here?"

"STOP WITH THE POETRY!" Haldir cried out, scaring ten years off of Frodo's life. "HAVE YOU COME TO MOCK ME, BOY?"

Frodo held up a defensive hand. "Whoa, dude, take a chill pill. I was just trying to be friendly."

"I'm sorry, Master Baggins," Haldir quickly apologized. Running a weary hand over his face, he added, "It's just--I am so profoundly frustrated over Legolas."

"Ahhh. . .unresolved sexual tension. Been there, done that, have the calluses on my right hand to prove it."

Haldir grimaced. "Too much information, half-wit."

“Half-LING,” Frodo helpfully corrected.

“That’s what you think,” Haldir mumbled under his breath.

Not hearing the muttered insult, Frodo plunked himself down on the rock-seat and queried, "So, what's the problem?"

"Gimli suggested I woo Legolas with some love poems."

"Oh, that's a wonderful idea!" Frodo cheered, clapping his little hands gleefully. "There's nothing that Sam. . .I mean. . .a loved one enjoys more than having beautiful romantic words recited to them." He paused, noticing Haldir's pained expression. "Did Legolas not like the poem?"

Haldir laughed, mirthlessly. "Who knows? He fell asleep."

"Oh, I am so sorry," Frodo murmured sympathetically, giving the Elf an encouraging pat on the back. "That must've been a crushing blow."

"Yeah, well, my ego's used to it by now." They were silent for a moment or two before Haldir turned to his diminutive companion, and tentatively asked, "Say, Frodo--YOU don't have any ideas for what I could do to try to win Legolas' heart, do you?"

Frodo's gaze dropped down to the Ring hanging around his neck, a demonic grin unfurling across his sweet, cherub face, and said simply, "Jewelry!"

DAY SIX --LATER THAT DAY:

"Oh, Haldir, it's um. . .it's. . ."

"Do you not like it?" the Lórien Elf asked, excitedly. “Is it not the most exquisite thing you have ever seen?”

Legolas turned the delicate--though tacky--piece over in his hands, trying to hide his disappointment. "It's. . .ah. . .nice."

"Nice?" Haldir cried out, indignantly. "Do you know how hard it is to find those things? I had to go to three different Zales Jewelers until I found one! They're all the rage this year in Middle-Earth!"

"Yeah, I know--Arwen gave one to Aragorn before we left Imladris.”

Haldir stared at Legolas in disbelief. "Uh-uh! No way! She gave him an Evenstar pendent?!"

Legolas just cocked his head to one side, gave Haldir 'The Look', and deadpanned, "Well, duh."

DAY SEVEN:

Boromir walked through the woods of Lothlórien, enjoying the quiet and solitude the forest afforded him, while putting as much distance as he could between himself and Merry and Pip. He loved them both dearly, but if he woke up one more time to find them dry-humping his leg, he was going to have to throttle the curly-head moppets. Those two little horndogs never seemed to tire, and Boromir wondered what the source of all their energy could be. 'Perhaps it's the mushrooms,' he muttered to himself.

Suddenly he heard a rhythmic thumping sound that seemed to be coming from the direction of the great river. Stepping out of the forest and into the clearing, he saw Haldir, banging his head against the trunk of a mighty mallorn tree. This close, he could also hear a steady stream of muttered phrases and curses coming from the distressed Elf, most of which sounded like, "I give up! I totally give up!"

Boromir approached Haldir and clasped his shoulder in a sociable, but manly, manner. "Here, what's going on, friend?"

Haldir started at the stranger's touch and spun around quickly while grabbing his knife from his belt in the same fluid movement. When he realized it was just one of the Fellowship, he dropped his arm and grumbled, "Oh, it's only you."

"Nice greeting," Boromir chuckled. "It's good to see you, too."

"What do you want?" Haldir asked testily, slightly embarrassed that someone, especially a Man, had caught him so unawares.

"Nothing much--just taking a walk when I heard you trying to give yourself a concussion." He regarded the Elf for a moment, then asked reasonably, "Why were you banging your head against that tree, anyway?"

Haldir pulled himself up to his full height and answered with as much dignity as he could muster, "You wouldn't understand."

"Don't suppose it has anything to do with the trouble you're having getting into Legolas' britches, would it?"

The glare Haldir shot Boromir would have killed a lesser being. "Thank you for reminding me, mortal," he snarled. "Now, fuck off and die!"

Boromir released a long, low whistle. "Damn, and I thought *I* got testy when I didn't get laid."

Haldir crossed his arms over his chest, and purred sarcastically, "Then you must be the testiest human in all of Gondor."

"And you wonder why Leggy won't put out for you."

Haldir uncrossed his arms, and rested his hands on his hips. "Do you have a purpose being here, or are you just trying to irritate me?"

Boromir just smirked confidently and replied, "Actually, now that you mention it. . .I have an idea that might help you out."

DAY SIX STILL--LATER THAT AFTERNOON:

"Okay, here he comes. Are you ready?"

Haldir, still not sure if the Man's plan was a wise one, hissed back, "Boromir, of all the ridiculous schemes. . ."

"Trust me. He'll love this. Okay--here we go." Boromir waited a moment until he was sure Legolas could hear him, then scoffed loudly, "So you're in love with the Elven trollop, but he won't give you a tumble, eh?"

A flush rose to Haldir's face. He knew it was just a ruse, but the words were still hard to hear. "How dare you speak of Legolas that way?!" he retaliated, as per the script.

Boromir chuckled nastily, "You must be doing something wrong, Guardian, seeing as how he's bedded half the Elves in Middle-earth. Why, he's seen more bedroom ceilings than Glorfindel!"

Haldir hauled off and slapped the Man soundly across the face. "I will not stand here and let you insult my prince!"

With one hand Boromir rubbed his burning cheek, with the other he drew his sword. "What are you going to do about it, Elf?" he sneered.

Quickerthanthat, Haldir drew his own elegant broadsword and assumed a fighting stance. "I'm going to kick your ass back to the First Age, Gondorian!"

But before the first strike could be made on either side, Legolas, who had been watching the exchange from the edge of the dell, shook his head in disgust and muttered, "Jerks!" With a haughty toss of his golden hair, he stormed back into the forest.

Haldir stared at the retreating form of his beloved, and grumbled, "I KNEW this would be a mistake." Turning his wrath on Boromir, he snarled, "I can't believe this 'jealous lover act' really works on the women of Gondor."

Boromir thought for a moment before admitting, "You know, now that you mention it. . .it doesn't work with them, either. They think all that testosterone-laden macho bullshit is pretty stupid." He shrugged his shoulders apologetically. "Sorry 'bout that, pal--thought maybe it'd be different for Elves."

With a groan of despair, Haldir dropped to his knees and barely refrained from sobbing.

Things just couldn't get any worse. . .could they?

DAY EIGHT:

Once more, we find our frustrated, horny hero by the shores of the Celebrant, contemplating the advantages of throwing himself into its clear, icy waters and just ending his misery, when a figure approached him. "Mae govannen, Guardian," Gandalf greeted heartily, as he took a seat next to the despondent Elf.

"Yeah, whatever," Haldir mumbled back.

"Lovely day, is it not?"

"Humh."

It was silent for a moment, as Gandalf dug out his pipe and lit it. After a few good puffs, he said, "If I may ask, what did you do to Boromir? He's been rather tight-lipped about it."

At this, Haldir finally looked up at his visitor, an embarrassed blush tinting his cheeks, causing him to appear even more breathtakingly beautiful than usual. "Oh, our pretend fight got a little out of hand," he replied, sheepishly. "Um, how's his nose, anyway?"

"It finally stopped bleeding and does not appear to be broken. He'll be fine." The wizard took a couple more thoughtful puffs on his pipe before inquiring, "So I take it the duel for Legolas' honor didn't work?"

"No. And nothing else did, either." Haldir sighed heavily, "You know, Mithrandir, I think I've come to the realization that Legolas and I were never meant to be."

"So what will you do now?" Gandalf asked.

Haldir shrugged. "I suppose I could ring up Glorfindel. He can always be counted on for a good blowjob. . .well, at least according to what I read on the bathroom wall."

Gandalf laughed a hearty laugh. "My dear child--there is no need for that."

"Oh yes there is," Haldir stated confidently, thinking back on five hundred years of cold dips in the river, and nightly dates with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters. (Of course, all those workouts helped his grip during archery practice, but we won't go there.) "Trust me, it's VERY necessary."

With a ring of merriment to his voice, Gandalf said, "You know, while I have enjoyed watching your amusing performance the past few days, I think you have suffered enough for the fair prince's affections. Here." The wizard then reached into an inner pocket of his cloak and produced a small glass bottle. Handing it to the stunned Galadhrim, he announced, "This is sure to charm Legolas' heart. . .or at least his naughty bits. Take it with my blessing."

Haldir stared at the bottle, which was filled with a dark brown liquid, and whispered in stunned disbelief, "A magic potion? But I thought you said. . .?"

"It's not quite a magic potion," Gandalf interrupted. “But it usually produces magical results.”

The Elf removed the stopper and took a sniff. The concoction had an unusual odor--quite pleasant, though assuredly unknown to him. "What is it?"

Gandalf took a puff on his pipe, then proclaimed, "Hershey's Chocolate Syrup."

"And what do I do with it?"

"Well, you eat it, of course."

Haldir took another sniff of the odd mixture, then looked back at Gandalf, a confused expression on his beautiful face. "And this will help me win Legolas' heart. . .how?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Haldir, use your imagination!" Gandalf huffed. "Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you?"

An evil, mischievous twinkle suddenly alighted in the Guardian's eye. "Ahhhhhh. . .NOW I get it. You are a GENIUS, Mithrandir. How can I ever thank you?"

"Well, there is one thing," the wizard mused.

"Name it."

"Do you happen to have Glorfindel's phone number?"

DAY EIGHT--THAT NIGHT:

Legolas journeyed to his destination with an odd feeling of smugness mixed with curiosity. It had been nearly five hours since he had found the note in his quiver, pierced with one of his arrows:

_"Meet me by the Celebrant at midnight--Hal"_

The prince found himself smiling as he walked. Haldir was certainly persistent this time around--he had to be given points for that. In all the many centuries they had played this game, Haldir had never been so determined--or crazy--as he had been over the last few days. The smile gave way to soft chuckles as Legolas recalled some of Haldir's wacky stunts to win his heart: the flowers, the day at the spa, that stupid duel with Boromir.

In a way he found it all rather sweet and touching. To think that someone would go through so much trouble just for him. Most of his suitors tried to woo him with jewels and gold and other such useless trinkets. His father's kingdom had provided him with more wealth than he could spend in his entire immortal life--what need did he have for more? But a kitschy filigree pendent? Ahhh. . . now THAT was a treasure worth keeping.

Yes, if Legolas was to be honest with himself, he was quite fond of the handsome Haldir o' Lórien, but he'd never admit it to a living soul. To do so would only ruin the game.

He was still mentally giggling over the hideous poetry book when he stumbled--literally--upon Haldir, who was sitting on a blanket by his favorite spot along the Celebrant. Tripping over the elder Elf's foot, Legolas was just able to stop himself from falling. "Ai! You gave me a fright!" he scolded.

"Sorry about that, mellon-nin," Haldir apologized. "I should have warned you of my presence."

"Nay, it is my fault. I was not looking where I was going." Legolas gracefully knelt down on the blanket in front of Haldir, careful to avoid the bowls of berries and fruit lying scattered about. "So, what is it that has beckoned me here in the middle of the night?"

"Is it not obvious?" Haldir asked, gesturing to all the bowls around them. "You will be leaving in a few days, and I wished to spend some time alone with you. Talking. . .stargazing. . .feasting. . ."

"But I already told you that I'm on a diet," Legolas reminded his friend.

"Ah, but it is only fruit, my dear," Haldir replied smoothly. "Surely you are allowed fruit, are you not?"

Legolas paused a moment before answering, "Well, I suppose a few berries won't hurt me. I can always do another hour of Jazzercise in the morning."

Haldir refrained from rolling his eyes as he held out a bowl of blueberries. "Here. Help yourself."

Legolas daintily scooped up a half-dozen or so of the plump berries and murmured a demure, "Thank you," while Haldir returned the bowl to its place. Popping a berry into his mouth, he was just about to ask, 'So, what did you want to talk about?' when the other Elf's actions stopped him cold.

Haldir was in the process of peeling a golden banana, his long fingers stroking down the curved fruit, caressing it like it was alive. When he saw he had the prince's full attention, he then dipped it into a glass bowl containing a thick dark brown liquid. Giving Legolas a smoldering look, he brought the banana to his mouth. Slowly, sensually, he let his tongue lick suggestively up the white fruity flesh and around the coated tip, a low moan of obvious delight rumbling in the back of his throat. Before Legolas could inquire what was going on, Haldir parted his lush blush-red lips, crammed a third of the phallic fruit into his mouth and chomped down hungrily, his moan growing in volume and lustiness.

Legolas, his cheeks flushed red-hot by the erotic exhibit, was beside himself. Haldir was NOT playing fair! How could he not to be affected by such a lewd display? And just what the HELL was that dark liquid? Pointing to the bowl, he demanded, "What is *that*?"

Haldir swallowed his mouthful, doing his best not to smirk at his friend's impatience, and stated, "Mithrandir calls it 'chocolate'."

"Chocolate?" Legolas repeated softly, letting he strange word roll over his tongue. "I have never heard of such a thing. What does it taste like?"

"Unlike anything I have ever tasted. The very food of the Valar. Here," and at this point, he held out the bowl. "Try it for yourself."

Legolas warily dipped the tip of his finger into the bowl. After a couple of cautious sniffs, he took the tiniest tentative lick. . .but that was more than enough. With an almost ecstatic whimper/groan, he licked the rest of it off.

This time Haldir's smirk came through loud and clear. "Well. . .?"

"It is divine," came Legolas' breathy sigh.

"Told you so," Haldir smugly replied. Plucking a large ripe strawberry from one of the bowls, he dunked it in the chocolate sauce and offered it to his conquest. "Here--try this."

Legolas leaned forward and bit the tasty morsel in half, the resulting euphoric moan virtually vibrating throughout his body. When he could speak once more, he exclaimed, "Gods! It's so delicious, I cannot find the words." He paused a moment, then asked hesitantly, "Is it fattening?"

"Does it matter?" Haldir teased as he coated the rest of the strawberry and presented it to the other Elf.

Legolas shook his head 'no' before sucking the rest of the fruit between his full, cherry-red lips, some stray chocolate staining the side of his mouth. Without thinking, Haldir scooped up the dollop with his finger, and offered it to the pretty prince. Legolas regarded Haldir for a moment, then glanced at the finger, then back to Haldir. With merriment sparking in his azure eyes, he poked his delicate pink tongue out and seductively licked the chocolate off the Haldir's finger, his eyes never leaving the Guardian's, the sparks simply flying between them. As the tongue swiped at the sugarcoated digit, both Elves moaned their appreciation and their passion.

The sight of that slinky tongue gave Haldir a wicked thought. Keeping eye contact with Legolas, he dipped his finger into the sticky sweet sauce, and rubbed it along his sinfully kissable lips. He could see Legolas' eyes glowing with light and mischief, a knowing smile spreading across his angelic face.

Oh, yeah--the Captain of her Lady's Guard was DEFINITELY fighting dirty tonight. But Legolas was up to the challenge. After all, he had been playing this game his entire life--he knew what to do to win. The important thing was to give Haldir just enough encouragement so he'd come back for more. . .and then the game could continue.

Legolas paused for a moment, quickly running through his options before settling on a strategy, one designed to torture Haldir to the extreme. Decision made, he leaned forward until his chest almost touched Haldir's, the Lórien Elf's warm breath brushing over Legolas' face. Watching Haldir watching him, he then leaned closer and lapped cat-like at Haldir's lips with just the tip of his tongue; the purring sound coming from Legolas' trembling body was also quite cat-like, a perfect compliment to the Haldir's puppy-like whimpering. Only once all the chocolate had been licked off did Legolas press his mouth to Haldir's for their first-ever proper kiss.

It was gentle at first--nothing more than a simple brushing of lips, almost chaste in its innocence--however, it didn't stay so for long. Bracing his hands against the March warden's broad shoulders, Legolas slipped his tongue past pillowy lips to canvass the inside of his friend's mouth, before finally tangling around Haldir's own questing tongue.

The shock as they touched was like a bolt of lightning striking Legolas to his core, and spreading heat throughout his body. The game was quickly forgotten as the studly Galadhrim threaded his fingers through Legolas' long, luxurious locks and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Tingles tingled down Haldir's spine as their mouths melded together, soft lips crushing soft lips passionately, fervently. This was what he had been fantasizing about for 500 years--this was all he had ever wanted. The beautiful Legolas Thranduilion in his arms, kissing him like it was the end of the world.

It had been worth the wait.

Even as Haldir drowned in the sweetest kiss of his life, Legolas had decided it wasn't enough. He wanted more of this wickedly sexy Elf. . .much, much more. And if he was going to lose the game, he was going to lose on his terms. Careful not to break their liplock, he started to blindly unbutton Haldir's tunic. The action caught Haldir off guard, startling him into ending the kiss. "What are you doing?" he gasped.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm removing your shirt, lirimaer," Legolas replied as he unhooked the last two clasps. With a playful twinkle in his eye, he added, "I'm afraid the chocolate might stain it."

"And how might that happen?"

Instead of answering, Legolas dunked his fingers into the creamy chocolaty syrup and painted the sensitive skin below Haldir's left ear. He gazed at it hungrily for a moment before dipping his head and tortuously lapping at the tantalizing treat.

Haldir moaned as Legolas' intentions became crystal clear--goodness, he hadn't thought of THAT use for the chocolate. Not that he was complaining, of course. It was quite delightful to discover that his prince was not just pretty but was kinky as well. "Ah, now I see," he managed to gasp, pulling away long enough to strip off his shirt, revealing a smooth buff chest. "Is this better?"

Legolas found himself practically drooling as he stared at the Haldir's naked torso, his attention drawn to the delicate mithril ring adorning the pert left nipple. "By the Valar. . ." he whispered breathlessly, then gulped, "Yes. Much better."

"But what about you?" Haldir questioned.

"What ABOUT me?"

Reaching out his right hand, Haldir absently rubbed the hem of Legolas' velvet jerkin between his fingers. "T'would be a shame if something happened to this fine outfit."

"Oh, this old thing?" Legolas quickly yanked it over his head, popping a couple of buttons in the process, and tossed it over his shoulder. "Gone and forgotten. But. . .?"

"But. . .what?"

Legolas bit down on his lower lip in a shy, endearing way before stammering, "Your. . .your pants."

Haldir glanced down at his leggings--except for the world-class erection that threatened to rip through the stitching, he could see nothing wrong. "Is there a problem with my pants?" he asked, curiously.

"Well, if a dipped berry or slice of pear should fall into your lap, they would be ruined."

Haldir smiled knowingly, his plot to seduce his old friend going exactly as planned. Sensing his long years of torment--not to mention those nightly baths in the chilly Celebrant--were coming to an end, he affected an air of nonchalance and replied, "Ah, good thinking. Thank you for pointing that out to me."

As he started to untie the laces, Legolas suddenly reached over and stopped him. Haldir looked surprised, only to see Legolas' usually sparkling sky-blue eyes were now glazed over with something approaching fathomless desire. "Here, let me help you," he crooned huskily, a sound that went straight down Haldir's spine and shot straight to his nether regions. A nod of consent, and Legolas all but shredded the thin leather ties before eagerly tugging down the super-tight leggings.

When Haldir's magnificent member sprang free from its confines, Legolas eyes almost popped out of his head. "Oh, my--it seems that the trees are not the only things that grow large here in Lothlórien," he simpered, breathlessly.

Haldir's perfect bow lips quirked into an arrogant smirk. "I take it I meet with your approval?"

Legolas licked his lips at the treat before him and moaned, "Oh, most definitely."

"Well then, do I not get the same courtesy?" Haldir asked teasingly. "After all, I showed you mine. Now I wish to see yours."

Legolas scrambled to his feet and with great effort somehow managed to shimmy out of his own snug leather leggings, even as he continued to eye Haldir's pride and joy hungrily, much as a starving dog covets a bone. (*bad pun intended*) When he was finally unclothed--a most arresting vision at that--he smiled at Haldir and sighed, "Truly, if I had known the might of the weapon you concealed in those trousers, my dear Guardian, I would not have waited 500 years to do this."

And with that he dropped gracefully to his knees, gently wrapped his long archer's fingers around Haldir's aching arousal, and sucked the fleshy tip into his watering mouth. Haldir sobbed in gratitude as he slid into the molten-hot wetness he had dreamed of for so many centuries. But his relief was short-lived. After only a few precious pleasure-filled moments, Legolas lifted his head, letting Haldir's neglected cock slip from his lips.

That was really the final straw that broke the Oliphaunt's back, and Haldir cried out his frustration. "Saes, my prince, do not do this to me! I cannot stand the agony one minute more. I have yearned for your touch for half a millennia now. I beg of you--just put me out of my misery!"

Legolas could not deny he enjoyed the way Haldir begged so sweetly, and while he was tempted to leave the poor guy hanging--literally--and continue the teasing foreplay for another half a millennia, he found that he was suddenly tired of their game. There was no denying that the lovely March warden excited him as no other suitor ever had. Plus, if the truth be known, Legolas was horny as all hell in desperate need of a good, hard shag.

And Haldir was just the ideal Elf to give him what he wanted.

"Shhhh, my beloved," he cooed soothingly. "It is just that as tasty as this delicacy is, I believe it needs something. . ." at this point he reached out and snatched up the container of chocolate sauce, ". . .extra." With that, he tipped the bowl and dribbled a liberal amount of the sticky syrup over Haldir's straining sex.

The silver-haired Elf hissed at the coolness of the liquid, a hiss that morphed into a shaky sigh as Legolas ran his tongue from the base of his cock to the very tip. "Mmmmmm. . .perfect," he purred contentedly before settling down to business.

Happy little mews interspersed with obscene slurps as Legolas diligently lapped at the decadent feast before him until no syrup remained before turning his attention to the delicate plump bollocks below. His tongue swirled skillfully around the satiny sack, wetting it, teasing it, tasting Haldir's rich flavor mixed with the exotic essence of the chocolate. If there was a more delicious flavor in Middle-earth, Legolas had not yet discovered it.

Once the chocolate was licked away, Legolas dropped a series of dainty butterfly kisses up the length of the throbbing erection, then, with practiced ease, he swallowed the swollen flesh deep down his throat. Only the hands holding his hips steady prevented Haldir from bucking upwards--he settled instead for moaning deliriously at the intense sensations, and threading his fingers through Legolas' long golden hair, urging the bobbing head further down. But when Legolas started humming the Lay of Nimrodel, the vibrations sending tickling prickles along the ultra-sensitive skin of the shaft he suckled so enthusiastically, Haldir was sure he had died and gone to heaven. (Yeah, I know elves don't die and they don't go to heaven. Work with me here, people!)

Legolas could feel Haldir was close, and while he longed to sample his lover's sweet elixir, he was loath to let their encounter end so quickly--there was so much more he wished to experience with the gorgeous Galadhrim. Haldir, however, was less than pleased when Legolas drew back and let his cock slip free for a second time, the long string of curses he uttered leaving no doubt as to his displeasure.

But Legolas just smiled up at him, looking for all the world like the cat that swallowed the chocolate-covered canary before he sensuously crawled over his lover and straddled his waist. Leaning down, he licked a burning trail up Haldir's throat, along his cheek, heading towards his ear. Haldir squirmed beneath Legolas, knowing what was to come, but unable to stop it from happening, and then it was too late. A whispering caress of those petal-soft lips bushed the sensitive tip of Haldir's ear, sending a flash of torturous pleasure straight down to his already painfully hard cock. As the assault continued, he groaned piteously, finding himself swept away by his own overwhelming want and desire.

As soon as Legolas had reduced Haldir to a babbling idiot, he abandoned his task, and worked his way back to his lover's luscious lips. Soon the two were lost in a fiery kiss that threatened to incinerate them both. As the prince's velvety soft tongue swept through his mouth, Haldir relished the taste of himself touched with the pleasant sweetness of chocolate, and the intoxicating sweetness that was simply Legolas. He tried to pull his heated lover closer, to plumb the depths of that warm mouth further, but his golden-haired beauty drew back, their lips making a smutty smacking sound as they parted. “I want you, Hal," Legolas moaned wantonly. "Want you now.”

“Oh Gods, yeah,” Haldir growled lasciviously, his hands sliding down Legolas' back. “Do it, baby.”

His bright blue eyes smoldering with burning desire, Legolas reached out his hand and panted, "Got the oil?"

With one final loving caress, Haldir reluctantly released Legolas' shapely behind to grab at his discarded tunic. He dug into one of the pockets, but his fingers encountered only air. "It's not here!" he cried out in distress.

"Try the other pocket," the lusty younger Elf directed, rocking his hips against Haldir's in anticipation.

Haldir did as commanded. "Nope, no luck."

"Backpack?"

It took some contorting to reach the forgotten satchel, and a few more precious moments unzipping zippers and pulling open all the Velcro pockets. "Uh-uh. . .nothing."

"What about your cloak?"

"Didn't wear one."

"How about under the cushions?"

Haldir looked around in confusion. "What cushions?"

Legolas sighed in exasperation and explained patiently, "You know, the sofa cushions. There's always some lubricant tucked conveniently between the sofa cushions."

"Dearheart, I hate to break this to you, but there's no sofa out here."

"I guess you're going to tell me there's no end tables either?"

"Nada."

The pampered princeling crossed his arms over his chest and grumbled petulantly, "Well, there's got to be a pot of oil SOMEWHERE around here! What about under the bushes? Or in that tree stump?"

"Pssst. . .Legolas. . ." Suddenly a disembodied hand invaded the scene, holding out a plastic squeeze tube.

"Who's there?" he demanded.

A brunette female dressed in jeans, old Reebok sneakers, and a "Pervy Elf Fancier" T-Shirt stepped out from behind one of the majestic mallorn trees. Her eyes swept over the beautiful naked entwined creatures lying on the ground in front of her and she felt her knees go weak. "Goddamn, I wish I could be the filling in THAT elven sandwich," she mumbled to herself with more than a hint of envy.

Haldir, whose view of the unwanted intruder was blocked by Legolas, asked nervously, "Who is it, babe?"

"It's only the author," Legolas answered with a smile, and gave Haldir's chin a quick playful nip.

The prone Elf breathed a huge sigh of relief. "J.D, are we glad to see you! We seem to have a small problem here."

"Yeah, I know, that's why I stopped by." She handed the tube she was holding to Legolas, and shrugged her shoulders apologetically. "Sorry about that guys--I completely forgot to leave you a vial of sweet smelling oil in a convenient but totally improbable place."

Legolas looked at the tube in his hand with a sweetly puzzled look on his face. "What is this, J.D.?"

"Strawberry Daiquiri flavored motion-lotion."

"Oooh, sounds delish!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"I didn't even know it came in that flavor," Haldir commented. "Where you'd find it?"

The author just grinned. "It's amazing what you can find on the Internet these days."

"Hey, the next time you're on-line, do you think you could find some Dwarf-flavored lube for me?" Legolas asked, casually.

"Sure, no problem."

Haldir's deep indigo eyes narrowed suspiciously. "And why would you want that, babe?" he demanded, his words dripping with jealousy.

"Oh, um, well, it's just I . . .you see, I thought it'd make a great joke gift for Ada's birthday," Legolas bluffed badly. "After all, you KNOW how much he loves the Dwarves."

"Aye, that he does," Haldir chuckled good-naturedly. "I'm so relieved--for a minute there, I thought you had started fancying Gimli."

"What? Me and a Dwarf?" Legolas twittered guiltily. "Why that's just plain silly. Isn't it, J.D.?" He turned and looked at the author over his shoulder, giving her a conspirator's wink.

"Of course it is! I mean, come on, Haldir. Legolas and Gimli? What a ridiculous notion!" Meanwhile, under her breath she was muttering, "Yeah, so ridiculous I'm surprised the two of them haven't booked the honeymoon suite at The Last Homely House yet."

Again Haldir laughed. "Yes, yes--how stupid of me. After all, what would you want with that little fur ball when you've got me, right?"

"Right you are, sugar lips," Legolas purred, claiming said lips for his own.

The author stood staring at the two ethereal beauties snogging at her feet and sighed once more. Dammit, why were all the good ones either married or gay. . .or fictional? "Well, are you two all set?" she inquired politely.

They broke the kiss long enough for Haldir to reply, "Yeah, I think so. Thanks for coming through for us, J.D."

"Hey, any little thing I can do to help." But the elves were no longer paying any attention to her, as Haldir pulled Legolas down once more and was crushing him in another life-or-death soul-deep kiss. Feeling fluttery excited little butterflies in the pit of her stomach at the sight, she stammered, "Well, um. . .I'll just be over there, if you need anything else." With that, she slipped back to her hiding place behind the massive mallorn--the one that provided a clear view of all the action.

Once the author was out of sight, Legolas broke the kiss. With a devilish leer on his angelic face, he purred, "Now that she's gone, where were we? Oh, yeah--right around. . .here." Squeezing a generous amount of the Strawberry Daiquiri lube ($4.59, plus postage and handling at www.hotbutteredhobbits.com *) on his fingers, he nimbly reached behind his back and began to prepare himself for the main event. Head tossed back, his eyes fluttered shut as his flaxen hair cascaded over his shoulders, the muscles in his long slim neck flexing as he breathed deeply. Soft little grunts and gasps echoed in the night as one finger became two, gradually stretching virgin-tight muscles. Haldir watched in rapt fascination as the Pride of Mirkwood pleasured himself, the erotic show almost enough to cause him to lose it on the spot.

Finally ready, and wanting Haldir so bad he was aching, Legolas reached down and grasped his lover, running his lube-slick hand over Haldir's silky slippery shaft before guiding it to his opening. Once positioned, he mounted his lover, descending a little bit at a time so as to relish every inch of Haldir's length as it burrowed deeply within him. When at last he sat flush against Haldir he paused to smile down at his lover, a smile so sweet the Guardian almost cried with joy.

The moment passed, then Legolas started to move, slowly at first, up and down, then back and forth, then all around. He had more moves than a world-champion chess player, and for a while, Haldir was quite content to lay back and enjoy the ride--until his own passions demanded a faster pace.

Haldir's roughened hands rubbed up Legolas' strong sinewy thighs, caressing gently over his sensitive hipbones, and cupped his perfect little behind. With deceptive strength, he lifted Legolas up until just the knob of his penis was still sheathed, then yanked down, driving himself all the way home. Legolas squeaked in surprise as the action stroked a magical spot deep inside him. "Ai! Again!" he cried out sluttishly. "Please do that again!"

Haldir was only too happy to oblige. With gathering speed, he pushed deeper and harder into Legolas. He quickly discovered that the prim, dignified heir to Mirkwood's throne was not just a creative lover, but a loud one as well, shouting his joy and euphoria to ring throughout the forest. "Gods yes, give it to me, you rockin' sex machine!" he yelled, enthusiastically. "Fill me up with your sweet Elf meat!"

"But. . .I thought. . .you were a. . .vegetarian," Haldir gasped.

"Just shut up and fuck me!"

Haldir was not about to argue. With a none-too-gentle push, he rolled Legolas onto his back. Gripping two handfuls of bouncy booty, Haldir plunged greedily into the supple body beneath him, his hips twisting and rolling with each deep thrust. Instinctively, Legolas locked his long, limber legs around the Galadhrim's waist, writhing and arching against his lusty lover, willing Haldir to ravage him without mercy.

The tempo of their coupling soon reached a dizzying crescendo, the only sounds being gasps, groans, and the rhythmic slapping of slick sweaty skin. With increasing frenzy, the two impassioned lovers strove to undo each other. Somehow in the blinding madness, Haldir managed to reach between the bodies to grasp Legolas' arousal, only to find that the prince's hand already stroking it firmly. Undeterred, Haldir wrapped his fingers around his lover's and quickened the pace.

"Ah my beautiful prince," Haldir crooned hypnotically. "Come for me, meleth-nin."

"Yes, yes, YES!" Legolas exclaimed loudly, scaring half the small animals in the Golden Wood as the most intense orgasm of his life ripped through him, sparking every nerve and fiber within his body, driving him to experience ecstasy unlike any he ever knew existed. Haldir continued to plunder the quivering, trembling Elf beneath him--one thrust, two, three--until with a shudder and a strangled cry he reached his own spectacular release. Drained of all strength and energy, he ending up collapsing on a purring, sated Legolas.

It was a very sweet victory for Haldir. (Get it? Chocolate? Sweet? Hot damn, the girl is good!)  
He was no longer horny--but between the chocolate and Legolas' generous 'love offering' clinging to his washboard stomach--he was distinctly sticky.

"It would appear that the hunter has finally succeeded in subduing his prey," Legolas mewled contentedly, his fingers drawing idle circles along Haldir's shoulder and upper arm.

"Indeed. He just needed the right bait. Speaking of which. . ." Haldir reached for the container of chocolate, only to discover to his horror that it had tipped over during their tumultuous love making, and was now empty. "SHIT!"

"What's wrong, Hal?"

"We're out of chocolate," the Guardian fairly whined, knowing that without the magic tonic his night of hot monkey lovin' with the passionate prince was over.

Legolas looked down at the empty bowl, then looked into Haldir's deep blue eyes. He smiled as he twined his hands through his lover's long silver tresses and pulled him down. "Who cares?" he whispered as he once more claimed Haldir's mouth in a soul-shattering kiss.

THE NEXT MORNING. . .

"So, any luck?"

"Sorry, Sweet Cheeks--Galadriel’s never heard of chocolate."

"Dammit Janet!" Legolas swore with feeling. "She was our last hope!" He paused for a minute before adding, "Maybe we should ask the author for some help."

"You mean J.D.? Last I saw her she was busy having a swim in the Celebrant."

"Isn't it a bit cold this time of year for that?"

"I think that was the point," Haldir replied knowingly.

"Oh, I get it," Legolas replied, even though he really didn't. (Let's face it, folks--Legolas is pretty but he ain't exactly the sharpest Crayola in the box, if you get my drift.) "So what are we going to do NOW?" he whined.

"Wel-l-l-l-l-l. . .all is not lost. While I got Rúmil to distract Celeborn with a frilly lace baby-doll, I was able to pilfer this.” Haldir proudly held up a parcel and grinned. “It should work just as well, don’t you think?”

Legolas squealed like a 13-year-old girl meeting Orlando Bloom for the first time. "Häagen Dazs Butter Pecan? Oh, Haldir, you are SO NAUGHTY!" he declared as he melted against the older Elf. (Get it? Ice cream. Melted. Double hot damn, the girl is on a roll!)

"I try my best," Haldir smirked, sexily.

Legolas sighed at the smirk. He LIVED for that smirk. "I think I'm in love," he twittered as he tilted his head and claimed Haldir's mouth in a passionate, sloppy kiss. They parted minutes later, completely flushed and out of breath.

While Haldir was still recovering from their smooch, Legolas grabbed the carton of ice cream from him. "Last one back to your place is a smelly Orc!" he proclaimed, then turned and started to run. Haldir took off after him, their musical laughter ringing throughout the enchanted woodland realm. The robust March warden quickly caught up to the playful prince and with an animalistic roar, he tackled Legolas, both of them tumbling to the ground.

They never made it back to Haldir's talan.

In fact, they were got so wrapped up in eating the sticky sweet ice cream off of each other’s hard, lean, chiseled bodies, they never even noticed the presence of a snooping bystander who stared from the edge of the forest, a big smile on his chubby Hobbit face.

"Ahhh, if only the blooms worked so well on Mr. Frodo," Sam sighed wistfully, as he walked away, giving the lovers some privacy.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: 
> 
> 1) "How Do I Love Thee" (Sonnets from the Portuguese) by Elizabeth Barrett Browning 
> 
> 2) "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day (Sonnet 18)" by William Shakespeare 
> 
> 3) "(They Long to Be) Close to You" by the Carpenters 
> 
> 4) "A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever" from Book 1 of Endymion by John Keats 
> 
> * The Strawberry Daiquiri lube doesn't exist, and neither does this website. Just forget you ever saw it. 
> 
> Elvish phrases: 
> 
> ‘mellon-nin’--my friend  
'saes'--please  
'lirimaer'--lovely one  
'ada'--father/daddy  
'meleth-nin'--my love


End file.
